larmoyante:

“I was broken like this before you came along. I never lied when I told you that my issues couldn’t be fixed just by filling me up with love and precious memories that would one day turn into a smell; the nostalgic tenderness of a time that felt better than today. I wasn’t able to find my heart when I wanted to tell you that maybe this isn’t exactly what we thought it would be. But don’t get me wrong, I searched for it for longer than you’d know; while you were working, while you were sleeping and sometimes when you were in the other room carrying on a conversation with me as if nothing was buried beneath the depths of my insecurities. No one can ever tell me that I didn’t try, that we didn’t try. I have the evidence on the palms on my hands, on the bottom of my feet and on the rough side of my heart. I can’t tell you the last time I freed myself with my own words. I have felt so empty for so long and I never once thought you didn’t try to save me with what you thought was kindness and love. But I needed more, and don’t we all? Isn’t that always someone’s story? Isn’t that always the beginning of two lovers end? But I don’t want it to end, not this way. Not before we really got started. Not before you could one day see the sides of me that I know are somewhere in this mess of a woman who has taken on the responsibility of keeping others alive. I don’t want to leave but there are times when I know it would be easier for you, better for you, better for everyone. I’ve never been one to give up, have never been one to leave without a note, without a warning, without a trace of where you could find me. But somewhere inside of me is telling me that even if I did leave, that even if I did leave you with hints of where I will end up, where I went to get away, where I went to find the parts of myself that I know would be easier to love, that you wouldn’t even try to look for me anyway.”

— “to the person who loves me,” - Colleen Brown